Category: intimacy

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Essay: Define “Lover”. No Possession? Possession? Territory?


I want comments on this freebie! What do you think?

 

3 nested heartsIt’s a friendship middle ground where men are still free to roam and women are still free to roam emotionally and physically also because we don’t need the ego validation of being the center of someone’s world or possession. In fact, the last thing I want is someone to need me that much. It’s dependency! We should all take care of ourselves. Otherwise, it seems to me you’re still looking for a mommy or daddy. We all need to get over that. That, and I really need to sleep alone and roll around in my queen bed. I suppose a remedy could be a King bed.

So, speaking as a woman, I will have friendship feelings for you during sex and that’s all. I think that’s the biggest and best connection you can have with a man. You’re friends! Yes, I will love you as my friend. How can love be any better than that? And I would make it clear to a man I was going to be with that in no way are there strings attached physically but we have a friendship agreement. That is all. There will be no use or just sucking sexual energy from the woman and dumping her like a hooker. That’s a hookup. Women who do that to men should not do that either if you want a lover. Friends don’t use each other. So, it really is in the woman’s purview to make sure you really feel like you have some type of friendship with a guy before you have sex with him. I don’t think guys know how to create that. You would never have sex on a first date if you seek lovers and friends.

Obviously, every woman and man is different in how they might define it. I also find it doubtful that a man would call a woman he has sex with his lover but he should. He would say “girlfriend” because I think men tend to be more territorial over a woman’s body than we are with them. But to a woman who is a free spirit that is too heavy on the territory and social obligation. There is no way I want a boyfriend or a husband which is almost the same thing minus the paper. Women that are busy, work, have projects, business and ideas in no way need or want to invest most of their time in a relationship. I’m not going to babysit or be nursemaid to a man. I don’t need to or want to. I want us to be friends as equals; no possession.

A lover is not friends with benefits because sex with warmth, love, and friendship is real sex which is a very big deal to a woman. It’s not just a benefit you’d receive like a job benefit. There is no territorial or legal claim, no possession. You actually dig each other and each other’s bodies and sexual energy. That’s it. No obligations. You usually agree you can have another lover if desired. In order to leave it out of hookup territory let’s say only one other lover. It’s not polyamorous which is hookup defecation sex. If you’re all friends, the body types match and you’re mature, that could turn into a menage-a tois. Why not?

That’s a lover. It’s not a hookup with a stranger, not defecation sex, you’re not just friends although that’s included, you’re not boyfriend/girlfriend, there are no social contracts, and you don’t want or need marriage or a relationship to corral, define, or control you or continue to play out your family of birth psychodrama. It’s empowering for a woman who has her own life. As dramatic, territorial and emotional as men get about sex and the body, they don’t usually like this setup. Again, it’s similar to the way my young son got when I was talking on the phone to someone else. Well, take it or leave it because I won’t be possessed by any man absent real love which is usually quite fickle or non-existent for them. Men and women in a relationship need to become more equal or don’t feign a relationship at all.

 

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Essay; Interpreting Warmth from a Woman


Warm behavior doesn’t mean anything! Being warm, smiling, happy, and beautiful is normal for almost all women, but don’t expect it or ask us to smile or you’ll get our wrath; especially lately. It’s no different than men casually hitting on a woman in a predatory manner, staring at her breasts or crotch, or offering to have an affair with her because he’s bored with his current woman. Those sexual behaviors all mean nothing to a man too. He’s just being normal. 🤪

But they do to us! Just like our warmth and smile means something to you. We are warm and smile at everyone!

We are beautiful, loving creatures that like to wiggle our stuff, put on makeup sometimes, and be feminine. We do it for us because it’s natural, not for you. She is saying nothing at all about how she feels about you.

I said this to a guy in Chicago that I was seeing in my twenties and he refused to believe me. That is patriarchy manipulating men’s brains and egos and thus, some women are able to manipulate men to believe that we set up our bodies and looks for you. We actually do it to compete with other women to show we can get the man we like.

Here is something to ponder then. When a man doesn’t predominantly hit on you but instead is a gentleman, respectful, warm, spends time with you and wants to talk to you, that must mean something more. I’m guessing. This male behavior is akin to a woman showing you her real feelings, thoughts, and inner self; not just all the girly warm stuff. She trusts that you’re interested in her as a person, not just boobs and pussy. Or, she doesn’t mind you seeing her without make-up or naked. Now it’s getting intimate. Do you see how it flipped? The man tuned into the feminine inner nature and the woman her outer sexual physical truth which is male.

Men have a hard time interpreting how a woman feels, especially if he is or has been attracted to her in any way. At worst, he’s given up and ignores the issue. The fact that he can’t control or accurately interpret her behavior, in general, is obviously emasculating. After all, the greatest male urge is to have access to a woman’s body, especially if she is novel to him. At the very least, if he continues to be attracted to her in some way, he’s got to do something about that attraction which means he wants to take action.

If he keeps coming toward you, keeps coming over, keeps talking to you, keeps flirting with you, he’s into you and there’s nothing a man can say to hide that fact, although they do deny it because they haven’t figured out how to control you yet. Some women are very in control of their own lives and don’t let on how much they are attracted to you either.

Women cannot be controlled…none of us…ever and that will be the everlasting consternation of men. We control the mating signals. Because we’re the ones that have the most to gain or lose in the reproduction game. It’s fair that we control that because of nature.

Post-reproduction that changes. In middle age, some men panic because their testosterone has decreased and they have performance anxiety. If he drinks or smokes weed too much, his testosterone is even lower.

Middle-aged women know that, by the way, and are mindful. However, our libido goes up as we get older because we can’t get pregnant. We have no fear! So, guys, you may want to take care of yourselves to take advantage of all the great sex after 50 that a woman is wanting!

Middle-aged women who take care of themselves have it all over the younger women in some ways because we have sexual skill, experience and can’t get pregnant.

More than a couple men have told me they long for a woman to want them. Women don’t long for a man to want them. There is jo shortage of men who bother us. It’s obvious men want us and sometimes aren’t terribly picky. Most women long to be left alone by the men pursuing her that she is not interested in and will not be interested in. That’s the fact right there. If she does decide who she wants attention from, she will be coy, not assertive in attracting him. If he doesn’t respond, trust me, she’ll move on. There are other fish in the sea and we need physical attention. Women want and need sex just as much as men do, but for different reasons.

No matter what a woman writes or says that indicates warmth and affection for you, in no way does it mean she wants to circle her wagons around you, marry you, be territorial about you, or control you. It doesn’t mean she wants you. It just means she likes you and is observing you. It means you have a foot in the door to her attention. And trust me; if you ignore that fact, as though she amounts to diddly-squat, or is less than you, she won’t trust you and you may never hear from her again. You won’t exist.

And if you didn’t bother to really get to know her and cast her aside, or lie, and refuse to court her, your ego rules the day, not your heart. That makes a man a loser to us, or gay. You must think you’re the queen, not her.

If you diss her because her breasts weren’t the right size or she has a belly, you are a fool. That’s how men end up with the wrong woman. They aren’t patient enough to give the connection a chance because of superficial summation of her looks.

Women take a while to warm up and make up their minds about a man. We are complicated creatures and most of us have a very small pool of men that are acceptable to us, that gets our motor running, that we want to share feelings with and feel secure within a dangerous world. So it is a vital mistake to interpret our behavior toward you too soon. Be smart and be patient.