Essay; Feel Free to Bother Me


beautiful-woman-in-garden

I went out tonight to hear jazz. My friend was playing.

I was perfectly happy sitting alone with my sushi and drink.

Then I feel these tentacles pulling on me and then staring, wanting my attention, wanting to talk, wanting to come over. He was needy and lonely.  I wasn’t. Why was he?  How many times have I seen men like that?

He’d already struck up a conversation with me from two chairs down which was ambitious. He was smart and interesting fortunately and now we’re friends…I guess. Who knows? We know each other’s name.

I said, “Come on over and we can chat,” and he said, “I’d like that.” I was being a little indulgent as I tend to be with men. They’re like needy puppies. I really need to stop feeling sorry for them or thinking they’re adorable.

But I still got that lusty, “You’re cute” vibe from him after a bit and left to chat with my other friend who I knew wouldn’t throw that energy at me. Yeah, every guy thinks I’m cute dude until they start talking to me and find out what I really think.

I don’t know if some men want to use me to forget themselves, forget their wife who died, or to remember themselves.  Maybe it’s all of those.

But I still feel used when all I wanted to do was hear music so I could just relax and take care of myself. I could have put up a wall. It’s partly my fault.

I have to take care of myself. No man is taking care of me and I’m not asking because I know the answer. It’s all different in middle age.  A man owes me nothing now because I’m not going to have any more children.  I pay my mortgage and all of my bills on my own, no help from anyone at all, including the government.

Why does he feel male privilege to bother me?

They either want attention, sex, food or talking, even from a stranger!
The last thing he wants to do is to take care of himself the way I do.

Maybe that’s just my generation.

And yet, the men supposedly have more of everything for themselves, most of the money, most of the property, most of everything.  I’m not so sure about that.

But you still need more from a woman?

Why?

Why can I feel myself MORE without a man next to me?  That’s curious. The fact is I do feel myself more without a man living with me. Unless it’s the one I really want and that’s another matter.

If you learn how to take care of yourself and share and I’ll give you the time of day.

Because I and many women like me have nothing more to give you guys that you can’t give to yourselves without you taking us down the river.

Prose; Between The Cracks


walking-on-a-piano

Between the cracks of the piano keys, where the quarter and eighth tones lie, invisible gems are to be found.

Whole tones (normal notes) have no business here…no one likes them… they just seem whole, they’re really broken; like a million notes in smudged ink all over the page.

I long for these sounds to break the cacophony around me.  Dissonance? They are consonant to me.  They fill my cup in a parched closet, old wood, dry and brittle, thirsting for moisture.  Dusty, unpopular, unseen, unheard by most human ears…

I love those places.  Ah…let me sleep there.

“Grand Opening Here”, I run the other way.  I’ll come in the middle of the night thank you-when no one is around but the ghost of my Grandpa, and maybe his friend with him.  I can write then. Dusty basements, hidden shops, in-between dimensions, cracks, and mortice hide the doorways.

I long for these places to break up the routine of my day. 

Little antique stores, old forgotten thrift stores where mom & pop still sit in the chair from 1926, gems are to be found.  Patina so thick you can taste the smell of it, musky, soil, brackish dark. Cobwebs everywhere-but it’s all new to me.

I’m looking, for…my friend…a part of my soul that is tragically invisible to the surface dwellers, so odd, so unexpected that it thrashes my back.  So impossible, so inconvenient, so much…so very good!

It feels eternally old and yet new to me; New to me because it doesn’t “fit” in my brain; in my plan.  My well ordered, hip, sharp, cerebral, sassy, punkish, cavalier brain brutishly, insensitively mocked your old stories, your tradition, your nostalgia, your mischief.  I’m not really laughing.  I just really, really like the texture of it all-and you.

It has been said, “Your heart is a fickle leader!”  Then I am the crumbs in the bottom of the toaster-like the host crumbs in “the cup”.  Drink me.  I am altogether undone.  So be it…

Move to the old that is new!

Take a leap…what seems old is new, what seems new is old.  What’s up is down??

It just is.

It aches to feel like a foreigner in my own planet…Always seeking a creative space that is misunderstood, mysterious, and forgotten.

Gorge on my grief and run for cover then…

Nothing is lacking; ever…all of it.  The devil is in the details they say.  His ears shriek when he hears quarter tones and eighth tones between the cracks; and time is no more.  When the notes become whole, he is undone.

2/14/10

 

 

Essay; St. Valentine BeHeaded


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Prose; Shadow


 

beautiful tree

I obscure my darkness to walk through life content, shadow feelings under the bed.

Convoluted darkness just below my navel only, my prescient dreams adumbrate what my body holds in, refusing to release its undulating grasp like a cranky child crying, needing attention and touch.

Male progenitor, emotional vampire and…ironically, my ally as a bridge to freedom in the face of neglectful, unfeeling, autocratic child-bearer.

Tremulous adolescence, when the course succor so needed is vacuous at best,

Cynical vexation felt so keenly in their insensitivity to my easily affected, young, psychic heart. They didn’t even know what the fuck psychic was because it wasn’t in the bible.

What could I have been?

What happy life could I have had if their crispy, mucous eyes had been open a crack?

That shadow feeling could spiral me down so quickly if I focused on it, so I only do it here

for release…because it’s bullshit, and my life is not bullshit, so I’m not filling it with that.

What is more helical bullshit that parental ignorance with an innocent, lovely child born in light and returning to light?

How twisted and contorted can adults get following societies rules, books, beliefs, and materialistic hysteria when they have in front of them a free soul, their child, needing only love by degrees, free roam by yards, food by weight and expression without limit?

The shadow of light is a contrast as a lesson

I’m using it to soar to the heights,

To rip asunder familial right to the soul of a child.

No more,

Whether in love or delusion

each child belongs to themselves only.

Just as roots do not dictate how far, wide and what direction a tree will grow,

so too, shadow roots deep below the ground only hold it in place while the wind, sky, and sun call us ever higher to dance with all of life above ground, storm and calm, for as long as we wish to live.

I hail from you but I am not you.

Feb. 8, 2017, Yellow 13 Warrior

 

Prose; Skin


pick a tomato

The shell of a turtle, a carapace, guards your continuance of electric water, straight to your brain, pulls your vibration down in by degrees.

Your skin like a husk full of ridges on corn smells sweet,

hard to pull off at the bottom, tassles so soft on my face, the smell of earth.

Your arm was warm and pleasant as the first tomato of summer in my hungry hand.

Let me bite into that luscious fruit, so sweet and tangy

 or a mango stream of juice down my chin.

I’m distracted, clement smells from your back

Why are so sweet yet so smart and severe?

No end to touch makes my breathing peaceful.

I feel happy…oh god I’m doomed.

Indeed, it only lasted one day and you ripped your skin from me again.

At least you can’t take the memory from me.

Words can never erase actions like skin can never cover feelings.

 

Essay; No Thank You #2- I’d Rather Have This. ~ Response to Dina Leygerman, 2017 The Women’s Movement


I have a boundary to set with the commentators on #1 of this post.  I am an extremely open-minded person that listens to how people feel for a living.  I’ve been doing it for twenty years. You are welcome to comment, of course, on the ideas I put forward.  But I will cut you off if you simply slam and criticize in anger and negativity in the comments section.  I ask that you make constructive criticism, helpful comments regarding a perspective I may not have seen.  You have to be civil to me.  I don’t allow myself to be mistreated by anyone, for any reason.

I had 4000+ views on my response to Dina since I posted it 6 days ago and many agreed with me and a few did not.  I have observed that between WordPress and Facebook and the women I talk to directly, there is an emotional savior complex among women, “we’re in this together”, “don’t deviate” attitude.  It’s a very patriarchal attitude and very “churchy” and sacrificial.  That is not the kind of movement I will join because in the end it’s controlling and selfish.  Women need to take care of themselves and ask for what they want and need and then ask others to join them.  It’s empowerment and in my life, it’s based on Spirituality.  Everyone is different and no preaching is necessary.

#1  HEALTH OF OUR BODIES AND MINDS and learning how to ask for what we need with regard to it.

I would like women’s health care and women’s right to control our bodies to be a focus.  To a great degree, we can do much of this for ourselves.  I live in my body 24/7 and it belongs to me.  Especially in holistic medicine, my health is in my hands.  But for some women, it’s not as simple.  For now, we need both allopathic and holistic health care.

I’ve also seen many, many comments that not all women from all opinions and persuasions are being welcomed into the movement; in particular, women who do not support abortion and women who prefer peace, not a closed fist.  I personally know two women who voted for Trump just on that issue alone.  If feminists are discussing women’s bodies and feelings about reproduction, we need to just LISTEN to the feelings and ideas from all corners.  It does not have to be in our platform or in our legislative agenda per se, but we owe it to all women to listen to their point of view if it’s presented in a civil manner.

Since I’m on the issue of civil manner, a women’s movement will in no way be taken seriously by Congress or anyone intelligent who could potentially fund the movement unless we stop the drama, the anger, the religious fanaticism, and the intolerance for those that don’t agree with us.

#2-Passage of the Equal Rights Amendment to the Constitution of the U.S.

  • Section 1. Equality of rights under the law shall not be denied or abridged by the United States or by any State on account of sex.
  • Section 2. The Congress shall have the power to enforce, by appropriate legislation, the provisions of this article.
  • Section 3. This amendment shall take effect two years after the date of ratification.

That’s the whole thing and it still hasn’t been passed.  I just saw this online and I couldn’t believe it.

There is already an Equal Pay Act of 1963 signed by JFK.  Women need to read it, know the law and make sure it’s enforced in any job you take.  You can find it online.  Be brave!

————————————————————————–

I’m stating this and anyone else who feels this way can wrap their mind and heart around it.  Essentially, these are mental mantras that you repeat to yourself over and over, or in a small group to set positive energy.  These are not demands or expectations. This is a list of what I want and maybe some other women will as well.

  • I want to be a happy woman and for everyone else to be happy as well
  • I want to be a thriving woman and for everyone else to thrive as well
  • I want to advocate for myself in confidence
  • I want to step up to who I really am and be honest
  • I want to hear happy-hearted women lead the movement the loudest
  • I want to know that everything is working out for each of us as individuals
  • I want to live interdependently, not co-dependently or addicted as a woman
  • I want to live safely in the world as a woman
  • I want to know that no matter how many times attempted victimization is foisted on me, I do not have to accept the feeling of being a victim or the label of being a victim. I want to know that I have the right to be here, to be in my body, and to choose my life as I see fit.
  • I want to know that Source energy, female and male, uphold me in my empowerment
  • I want affordable healthcare for my female body.
  • I want access to licensed, professional, holistic medicine for my female body and my children.
  • I want my children to live safely in the world, playful and eager
  • I want more people on Earth to feel better
  • I want more stability and security as a woman
  • I want to be safe and secure in my home as a woman
  • I want the household chores split equally in my home
  • I want sex to be discussed openly and our sexual needs met equally in my home
  • I demand to be treated as an equal in my home with a male mate
  • I want to be equal among humanity as a woman
  • I accept the different sexual expressions and orientations of other women
  • I do not support violence as a woman, from me, to me or my children
  • I do not support the societal over-objectification of women’s looks for profit
  • I want to thrive as a woman
  • I want to work in a robust economy as a woman
  • I want more of my own money and control of it as a woman
  • I want equal access to bank loans as a woman
  • I want to be listened to and respected as much as men as an intelligent woman
  • I demand credit for my work and my ideas in the workplace as a woman
  • I want to have more fun as a woman
  • I want to feel at ease in my community as a woman
  • I want to see people in affinity with me safely, around the world, as a woman
  • I want to appreciate everyone’s point of view even if we’re not in agreement, as a woman
  • I want to feel balance in diversity as a woman
  • In this movement, in my female circles, I want me or my women friends to speak first and lead before a male.  This is OUR TIME to come forward on behalf of all women in the world who want to be happy, healthy, and empowered to have a good life.  We do it in the way only women can.

Essay; No Thank You. My Response to ~ Dina Leygerman, 2017 attitude about the Women’s March


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Synchronicity; What is your Birth Gateway?



Anyone who wants to input their full birthday into the Tzolkin Day Calculator, just go to the site at the link below. At the top is a rectangle. Click on the rectangle on this page that says “Dreamspell Calculator.”

Tzolkin Day Calculator

Scroll down the page until you see where you input your birthday.
Your Tzolkin Themeplex will then pop up. Now, go back to the first page. Find the name of your archetype on the huge list, click on that, and there is much great reading about your multi-dimensional self.

There are also a few apps you can add to your phone. Just search online.

If you’re interested in a full chart you can order it. Just email me. They take me about two hours to do and the fee is $100.00.

I will add it to the shop page soon.

Essay; Bashing the Women’s March?


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Essay; Middle Age Dating


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